First, some old news that I'm sure everyone has heard about by now:
http://www.postcrescent.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070404/APC0101/70404014

In case you don't or can't click it, this pretty much summarizes it:

When police found Marsh, he spoke to them in what "sounded like a medieval language," threatened to change into "his other form" and talked about "the power he had to turn into a werewolf," according to the complaint.

You know, I'm not one to complain, but the police simply don't take werewolf threats seriously enough anymore. What are our tax dollars going toward if they're just going to lock up werewolves in "mental institutions"? How long is that going to last really? Not long enough is the answer.

Speaking of not complaining, I'm going to complain about a television commercial. I know this is an old one, and God knows I've been complaining about it since it began airing probably over a year ago, but for some reason they've recently decided to bring it back to the prominent commercial cycle. It's for some stupid minivan or SUV or something, I don't really care to remember what. Anyway, a family is driving into the forest for one can only assume a camping trip, when they are stopped by a troll. The troll claims that they cannot pass without answering his three questions. But he then becomes so mesmerized by this car that instead of his presumably quizzical riddles, he begins asking about the car. He first asks how many people the car fits. The father answers eight. He further inquires as to whether that's a DVD player in the back. The little girl answers "maybe". Finally, he asks if he smells cookies. Rather than answer, the mother says "Hit the gas; that's three." Let's review, shall we. The troll says they cannot pass without answering three questions. Here they are:

1: How many people you got in there?
Answer: eight.

2: Is that a DVD player?
Answer: Maybe.

3: Do I smell cookies?
Answer: [none]

OK, so no problem with the first answer. He answered honestly and correctly. The second question begins the problem, in that "maybe" really isn't an acceptable answer. However, since the troll never said that the answers had to be correct in any way (although it's sort of implied) I'll allow it on a technicality. HOWEVER, THEY NEVER ANSWER THE THIRD QUESTION! THEY DON'T EVEN TRY! THEY JUST DRIVE AWAY! This is a blatant violation of the rules, and I have a proposition to make it right. I propose a sequel to the commercial in which the troll eats the entire family while they are sleeping, gets in their stupid SUV, watches their DVD player, eats their cookies, and drives away. It's only fair. Next time maybe you should answer the troll's questions instead of being such jerks.

Oh so much to get to and so little energy to write. Expect maybe a couple new ones in the next few days. Yes it's been a while, and yes baseball season has started, and yes the Phillies are off to their usual pathetic start. I could go on and on about how everyone from Philadelphia is cursed to be a loser forever, and I could complain for hours about baseball. However, I will refrain from doing so. See, this season I'm keeping a day by day account of every game the Phillies manage to blow with a terrible mental decision or a lack of fundamentals. Then in September when they fall one or two game short, that's when you'll be hearing the complaints. Until then, however, I have more pressing matters to complain about.

OK, so as most of you know, I am a college student living in Washington, DC in my own one room studio apartment. I sleep on a fold-out futon and watch a small TV with a lousy satellite reception. One thing I do not do is "party." That being said, however, I would say it is a safe estimate that at least 90% of college students do in fact "party", and my building is made up of about 90% college students. Based on that math, it would not be unreasonable to estimate that about 81% of the residents in my building "party" (just one of the many useful calculations us math majors can do). I mention this because any night really, particularly on weekends, and on an increasing scale as the weekend approaches, there are various "parties" being thrown in the building. It is also noteworthy that the walls in this building are thin, and sound carries fairly well. As a result, one often hears some music being played, some loud talking from the courtyard below, occasional shouting matches, and all the usual noises you'd expect from a bunch of college students. None of this noise comes from my room. This is where last night becomes interesting. There was a bit of noise last night, but not a terribly unusual amount. I'd probably rank it as about an average Thursday night for this building in fact. I, on the other hand, was unusually tired. A long day of classes followed by a long day of rooting for the Phillies prompted an early bedtime for me. In other words, I was in bed, with lights and appliances turned off completely by 3 a.m. I fell asleep by 3:30 a.m. I planned to wake up at 10:30 a.m. That did not happen. Instead I woke up at 5 a.m. to a loud pounding. Now don't get me wrong, this is not terribly unusual. There are plenty of odd sounds in the building, and I sleep with my window open, so I get the street sounds as well. My first assumption was that I dreamed it. Nope, there it was again. Still groggy, though, so I can't tell where it's coming from....wait, it almost sounds like someone knocking on my door. No, that's ridiculous, it's 5 a.m. and I don't know anyone within 30 miles. Can't be, right? It must be some jackass doing construction on the roads (unfortunately even at that time of night this actually was a completely reasonable assumption). But no, there it is again; it's definitely my door. So I stumble out of bed in my pajamas, still half asleep, tripping over things in my pitch dark room, over to the door. More pounding. Definitely on my door. I open the door and see two cops standing there. One takes out his badge and introduces himself as Officer Something-or-other (again, 5 in the morning, still half asleep). This is, to the best I can recall it, the conversation that took place:

Officer: "Good evening sir, we're investigating a complaint about noise coming from this area. Sir, are you having a party?"

Me: "No. No I am not having a party."

Officer: "Sir, why are your lights out?"

Me: "I was sleeping."

Officer: "Are you alone?"

Me: "Yeah."

Officer: "What have you been doing for the past 3 hours?"

Me: "I was sleeping."

Officer: "Alone?"

Me: "Yes."

Officer: "Were you playing any loud music?"

Me: "I don't even have a stereo. I was sleeping."

Officer: "Did you notice any unusually loud noise this evening?"

Me: "No, I was sleeping."

Officer: "How long have you been sleeping?"

Me: "I'm not even sure what time it is. [glances at clock right inside door, which reads 4 oclock, which I also know is an hour slow since I never set it ahead for DST.] If it's 5 then I guess about 2 hours."

Officer: "Sir, that clock says it's 4."

Me: "It's 5. The clock is an hour slow."

Officer: [suspiciously] "OK, sir, well I don't hear any noise now, but we are going to have to see your license and take down your information. [I retrieve and hand him my license] And your phone number. [I give it to him] OK sir, well we may be in touch. In the mean time try to keep it down."

Me: "Thanks."

I swear that recollection is way more accurate than it looks like it should be. I'm surprised he didn't search my apartment. Apparently the groggy tone, morning breath, pajamas, and completely darkened room, not to mention that fact that it was 5 oclock in the morning, were not enough to convince him that I WAS SLEEPING. Clearly a top detective. But hey, I've been living by myself in Washington DC for almost 9 months now and I've only been questioned by the cops twice (see an earlier entry for the other mention), so I figure that's not a bad average. My big concern now though is that every time there's too much noise in this place the cops are going to show up at my door:

"Excuse me sir, we have reason to believe you're causing a disturbance."

"But I'm in New Jersey for the week. And I'm sleeping."

"Sir, don't make me take you into custody."

OK, I don't know that I've posted it here yet, but I have previously mentioned on occasion that I believe my apartment building is haunted. By what I am not entirely sure, but I can only assume that it is a sinister and evil force. Now I have proof. (Disclaimer: by proof I mean anecdotal assumptions which may or may not revolve around me not being able to open a door.) Anyway, last night I was chatting with friends online. By about 2 o'clock most of them had retired to their respective areas of slumber. At this point, I, not having to awaken this morning until 11:30 (although as it turns out I didn't sleep past 9, presumably disturbed by the evil presence), decided to prepare for the upcoming fantasy baseball season with a mock draft. It is also worth noting that last night there was a heavy rainstorm and strong winds here. So I sat on my computer pretending to draft players for a fantasy baseball league while I listened to the rain beat against my window. The draft ended at approximately 3:30 in the morning, right around the time I enjoy going to the gym anyway. I changed into my gym clothes, grabbed some water and my iPod, and headed downstairs. I went to the elevator. I pushed the 'down' button. Nothing happened. I waited. Nothing happened. Now this in itself is nothing new, as the elevators here are frequently out of order, so I resigned myself to walking down the 8 floors to the basement. For some reason there are no lights on in the stairwell, except for the red glow of a couple of exit signs, and the light coming in from underneath the doors. It was dark and damp and sticky, but I continued. I reached the A1 basement level and tugged on the door. It didn't open. I pulled harder. It didn't open. I tried pushing. It didn't open. I pulled again, and finally decided that this particular door must be locked, which actually makes some degree of sense, since it actually opens into a sort parking garage, and this seemed like a logical security measure. So at this point I find several things frustratingly odd, but think little of it. I walk back up to the lobby and exit the stairwell. It is at this point that I realize there is absolutely no sound in the building except for the rain. This might not seem odd to you at 3:30 in the morning, but trust me, this was a Thursday night in a building predominantly occupied by college students in Washington, DC. There is ALWAYS noise in this building. If I am only awaken once at night by crashing, thumping, screaming, etc. I consider it a good night. But last night was dead silent, even in the lobby, where everyone tends to congregate. I realized that it had in fact been hours since I had seen or heard any signs of life. Still though, I am not really a fan of company, so I just considered that a lucky break. Anyway, in the lobby I notice the elevators parked there, unmoving. No signs of why they are not functioning, but the buttons do not seem to respond. Fine. Great. I hit the button to call the freight elevator instead, which opens immediately. A good sign. I step inside and push the A1 button. The door closes. I wait. Nothing happens. I push the button again. Nothing happens. I push the 'door open' button, and thankfully it does. At this point I am satisfied that I am not trapped in a freight elevator. I trek down to the East side of the building and find the stairwell, climbing down to A1. This door opens. I finish my workout, still not having seen or heard anyone or anything. On my way out I decide to investigate the mysterious stairwell door, seeing as how it is essentially right next to the weight room. I push. The door opens. Interesting. I figure it must only open from one side (this makes no sense, but it was the only possible conclusion, right?). I enter the stairwell and let the door close behind me. I turn around and pull. The door opens. I cannot explain this. At this point I am certain that I am going to die in that darkened stairwell, as some spirit has clearly been persuading me into it all evening. I climb back up to my 5th floor sanctuary with a much quicker pace than usual, let myself into my room, lock the deadbolt behind me, and start stocking up on holy water (Note: since I don't actually have "holy" water, I have to settle for water filtered through my new Brita filter - I figure it's the next best thing). I eventually go to sleep (although as I mentioned I was mysteriously awaken this morning by unseen forces) and everything seems back to normal today....unless everyone in the building is now possessed by evil and just waiting for me to let my guard down so that they can drag me down to the depths of Hell. If I don't post for a while you should probably assume that's what happened to me.

OK, I figured I'd separate this from the below post since it's unrelated, but make sure you read that one that was posted about 2 minutes ago. This one is devoted to clarifying some statements made in earlier posts.

First of all, I have received nothing but complaints for my criticism of Prince's halftime show. Apparently it was the best Super Bowl halftime show ever. I'm not sure I agree, but I will concede that I was expecting terrible things because Prince is a terrible choice for halftime, and perhaps I wrote the criticism in advance. I refuse to go as far as saying I enjoyed it, but I will say that it could have been worse.

Second of all, it has come to my attention that Trix were in fact originally ball shaped, BEFORE they switched to their fruit shapes. The change still annoys me, but if I were around back when they were originally ball-shaped (based on my sourse it must have been about 1865), I would be happy for the change back to the original. I still wouldn't try to put them in my chocolate pudding mix, but I guess that's why I got into college.

Third, I have been criticized for leaving my laptop turned on and unsecured while someone else was in here (which led to the whole maintenance conspiracy, if you haven't been reading). I would like to point out that also in here were my camera, iPod, XBox, TV, countless DVDs, about 200 dollars in cash, and my leather jacket, among other things of lesser value. Is it really a practical assumption for me to remove anything valuable from my apartment because the Maintenance guys are coming? I think not. Besides, they have keys to this place any time they want. They could come completely unannounced and steal everything. Taking my laptop with me on one particular afternoon would not have helped.

Fourth, in my recent post about sports, I should correct what I said about Tim Hardaway, as I greatly exaggerated...wait, no, nevermind, that's EXACTLY what he said. Twice. What an idiot.

So seeing as how my self esteem is at possibly an all time low (I know, hard to believe when I look this good, but it's true), I figure I'll share some of my most common embarrassing scenarios with you, all of which have happened to me at least once in the past month.

Scenario 1. Those of you who attend an institution of learning will probably understand that there are certain people you are friends with, certain people you know casually, and a certain group of people who you know vaguely, either because you share classes with them, or you met them once, or you share the same name as them and have to sort out between the two of you every Tuesday and Friday which Alex is which when the professor takes attendance because she still hasn't figured out that there are two Alexes in the class and she needs to use last names....But anyway, we all have people like that. People we'd recognize but never start a conversation with outside of the context in which we know them. But here's a problem. Let's say you're walking around the quad for instance, and you pass one of these people from a distance. You recognize them even though you've only spoken twice in your memory, and that was last semester. You assume that they wouldn't even recognize you. But then he/she calls out a greeting, and waves, but because of the distance separating you, you cannot tell whether the greeting/wave was directed toward you, or perhaps someone behind you or in front of you. The quad is a busy place. So what do you do? Your options are to either ignore him/her and assume he/she was waving at someone else. The upside is you don't look stupid if you're right. The downside is that if you're wrong you seem incredibly rude, and still look kind of stupid. Option 2 is to yell back, go for broke, and hope you're actually important enough that someone would say 'hi' to you. I consider this the far less likely assumption, but it has less of a downside. If you're right, then fine. If you're wrong then chances are the person will not even notice and will assume your greeting was directed toward someone else (ironically the very problem you're currently facing). You only have to hope that no one else notices that you just yelled to no one in particular. I prefer a third option. You look in his/her general direction, give a smile, nod, and go on your way. If they weren't looking at you they probably won't notice; if they were then you should get credit for an adequate greeting. Careful, though, because the nod must be dynamic enough to be seen from a distance.

Scenario 2: Similar to scenario 1, but much worse. Imagine you're in class, sitting next to one of the very people discussed above. It's a crowded classroom. You're caught up in your own internal monologue on UFOs and zombie wars. All of a sudden, you hear a question come from next to you. A simple "how's it going?" or "what's up?". Questions warranting a typically non-committal response, but you're unsure if they're directed at you. You glance over to him/her, but they're not looking directly at you...but they might be. You can't quite tell. What do you do? If you don't respond and they were asking you, you look like a complete ass. If they weren't asking you and you volunteer an answer, then you're being presumptuous in thinking he/she actually cares "how it's going" in your life. Then you just look desperate and pathetic. Worst of all, you're on a timer, because if you don't answer immediately then you look like an idiot, and no matter what you say is awkward. The downsides are huge here either way, and you don't have time for analysis, so you have to trust your instincts. I hope for your sake they're good ones.

Scenario 3. Similar to scenario 2 in principle, but now you're in an elevator with a stranger. You're wearing headphones with music playing. About midway through the elevator ride, you realize the stranger with you has been speaking to you. Problem is, you didn't hear a word he/she said. You have two options. The first is to just smile and nod and hope that they said something innocuous that doesn't require a response. If you're right, no harm done, but if you're wrong, you look like a complete ass again, not to mention semi-retarded. The second option is to take off your headphones and ask them to repeat themselves. If they asked a question, this is the only real option, but even so, it makes them feel stupid for talking to someone who can't hear them, and it also gives the impression that you're too good for them, that you don't have time for them, and/or that you couldn't care less what they have to say. All of these are most likely true, but still, expressing such makes you look like an ass. Plus, like in scenario 2, time is a factor for all the same reasons. Elevators with other people in them present dangerous social situations. Enter at your own risk.

Scenario 4. Speaking of elevators, this might be the worst. You hit the 'down' button and wait for your elevator to arrives. You put on music and begin a nice inner monologue. You're distracted. An elevator comes and you step inside, dismayed to find a small group of other people in there. However, as the doors are closing you realize with horror that the elevator is going up. Now you could hit the door open button and step off with a red face and admit that you're an idiot. Not happening. There is really only one option here. You glance at the panel, pretend your button is already pressed, and ride up. You get off at the next stop and pretend this is exactly where you want to be. You stroll confidently down the hallway until everyone else getting off on that floor dissipates and the elevator continues on its way. Only then do you make your way back and push the 'down' button you need. Yes, you might be 10 minutes late for class, but trust me, it's well worth it.

Scenario 5. Finally, possibly the most frustrating of all. Now the physical strength of my readers varies greatly, but I assume you're all strong enough to open a door. But here's the problem: not all doors open with the same degree of force. Some doors open very lightly. If you pull too hard on them you either hit yourself in the face with a door, go flying backwards with it, or simply look like you're angry and frustrated and taking it out on the door. Basically you look like an idiot regardless. But some doors, like the one leading into this building, require a great deal of force to open. Certainly not any problem, especially for someone as physically fit as myself, but you have to be prepared. If you open it with too little force, you fail and have to try again from scratch. Picture this scenario. You're walking a few steps in front of a girl, and you decide to be a gentleman and hold the door for her. You step up to the door, grab the handle, turn to gesture her in, and pull...except you don't pull hard enough. The door doesn't open. You look weak and stupid and you know she's going to post in her own blog later about weak and stupid you are. Complete disaster. There needs to be regulation on these things. Heavy or light, I don't care, but I need to know in advance.

Clearly the lessons I am learning at college go far beyond the classroom.